30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

Source:http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/]
When you stop chasing the wrong things you give
the right things a chance to catch you.

As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Nothing could be closer to the truth. But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled.

4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.

8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.

10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness.

11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.

14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.

15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.

16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”

17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.

18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.

19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.

21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.

23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done.

24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.

25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.

27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.

28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.

29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Winter Film Reviews: Sleeping Beauty and Shame

Sleeping Beauty: I went and saw Sleeping Beauty on Sunday, Dec. 7 in the afternoon. I wanted to see this movie out of sheer curiosity, as I've read a lot of mixed reviews from it being slow, mediocre to being senseless and pretentious. Regardless, I never ever listen to any sort of review and always decide on judging for myself. Anyhow, Emily Browning was by far the masterpiece of this film. Her role of Lucy was both courageous and annoyingly apathetic. Lucy is a struggling college student, trying to make ends meet, by taking odd ball jobs, 1. allowing herself to be experimented on while fighting her gag reflexes and 2. dealing with a terrible boss lady in another sterile corporate office. While all of this goes on, we notice that she enjoys random sex and playing around with her sexual power but also giving it up, at the simple game of coin toss. There is no real explanations as to why she is detached, almost doll-like in her dealings with sex, which leads us to her new job in where she takes a sleeping narcotic in order to allow men to do whatever they please while not being allowed to "penetrate her vagina". Not a must see, but for those of you who are curious about sexuality and why people do what they do, as I am, why not. Emily Browning is definitely talented and while she was naked in more then half the film, which was not sexy at all, as (I would assume) is intended for the viewer that is paying close attention.

Shame: Again, another film about the detachment of human emotion from sex without any explanation. Why is this? I don't understand why films these days are just all about the act and nothing is offered about the reasons behind the detachment. We went from a puritanical society, total complete conservative views to sex and now, just someone who is accepted as a sex addict as if its something seen as normal and everyday? I am not convinced.

Brandon is a sex addict in New York City, perhaps the most convenient place to be one. We see him awake from a one night stand that he's just had, lying in bed, before he gets up to use the shower. This is his everyday, sex with stranger, they leave, he gets up takes a shower and we see him cleaning himself well. While this is all happening, his sister is calling, leaving messages, desperately trying to reach him, while he continuously ignores and goes on watching his porn in order to get off. On top of this, we see the close relationship he has with his boss, a total douchebag who makes Brandon look like a saint, when we find out that he's married with kids and spends his nights prowling the city for any willing woman. In comes his sister, who ends up showing up without any (real) warning and Brandon has to deal with her. We see them joke around and fight like any brother and sister would, although, there is a bit of an underlying feeling of incestuous behavior between the two, that just doesn't sit quite well with me, and is again, left unexplained. We also find that his sister is mentally fucked up, when it comes to her casual sex. Any reasons for this? Why are Brandon and Sissy so fucked up? We don't know. All we know is that they come from a very bad place.... While I was left a bit annoyed (again) with no real explanation of why and how, I did appreciate Brandon's downward spiral, how the idea of sexual excess can lead anyone of us into depravity.

Respect

noun:
1. esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability

verb:
1. to hold in esteem or honor
2. to show regard or consideration for
3. to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with

Source: Dictionary.com

Article: Message from A Man to Women: You're Not Crazy

You're so sensitive. You're so emotional. You're defensive. You're overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You're crazy! I was just joking, don't you have a sense of humor? You're so dramatic. Just get over it already!

Sound familiar?

If you're a woman, it probably does.

Do you ever hear any of these comments from your spouse, partner, boss, friends, colleagues, or relatives after you have expressed frustration, sadness, or anger about something they have done or said?

When someone says these things to you, it's not an example of inconsiderate behavior. When your spouse shows up half an hour late to dinner without calling -- that's inconsiderate behavior. A remark intended to shut you down like, "Calm down, you're overreacting," after you just addressed someone else's bad behavior, is emotional manipulation, pure and simple.

And this is the sort of emotional manipulation that feeds an epidemic in our country, an epidemic that defines women as crazy, irrational, overly sensitive, unhinged. This epidemic helps fuel the idea that women need only the slightest provocation to unleash their (crazy) emotions. It's patently false and unfair.

I think it's time to separate inconsiderate behavior from emotional manipulation, and we need to use a word not found in our normal vocabulary.

I want to introduce a helpful term to identify these reactions: gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a term often used by mental health professionals (I am not one) to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they're crazy.

The term comes from the 1944 MGM film, Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman. Bergman's husband in the film, played by Charles Boyer, wants to get his hands on her jewelry. He realizes he can accomplish this by having her certified as insane and hauled off to a mental institution. To pull of this task, he intentionally sets the gaslights in their home to flicker off and on, and every time Bergman's character reacts to it, he tells her she's just seeing things. In this setting, a gaslighter is someone who presents false information to alter the victim's perception of him or herself.

Today, when the term is referenced, it's usually because the perpetrator says things like, "You're so stupid," or "No one will ever want you," to the victim. This is an intentional, pre-meditated form of gaslighting, much like the actions of Charles Boyer's character in Gaslight, where he strategically plots to confuse Ingrid Bergman's character into believing herself unhinged.

The form of gaslighting I'm addressing is not always pre-mediated or intentional, which makes it worse, because it means all of us, especially women, have dealt with it at one time or another.

Those who engage in gaslighting create a reaction -- whether it's anger, frustration, sadness -- in the person they are dealing with. Then, when that person reacts, the gaslighter makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure by behaving as if their feelings aren't rational or normal.

My friend Anna (all names changed to protect privacy) is married to a man who feels it necessary to make random and unprompted comments about her weight. Whenever she gets upset or frustrated with his insensitive comments, he responds in the same, defeating way, "You're so sensitive. I'm just joking."

My friend Abbie works for a man who finds a way, almost daily, to unnecessarily shoot down her performance and her work product. Comments like, "Can't you do something right?" or "Why did I hire you?" are regular occurrences for her. Her boss has no problem firing people (he does it regularly), so you wouldn't know from these comments that Abbie has worked for him for six years. But every time she stands up for herself and says, "It doesn't help me when you say these things," she gets the same reaction: "Relax; you're overreacting."

Abbie thinks her boss is just being a jerk in these moments, but the truth is, he is making those comments to manipulate her into thinking her reactions are out of whack. And it's exactly that kind manipulation that has left her feeling guilty about being sensitive, and as a result, she has not left her job.

But gaslighting can be as simple as someone smiling and saying something like, "You're so sensitive," to somebody else. Such a comment may seem innocuous enough, but in that moment, the speaker is making a judgment about how someone else should feel.

While dealing with gaslighting isn't a universal truth for women, we all certainly know plenty of women who encounter it at work, home, or in personal relationships.

And the act of gaslighting does not simply affect women who are not quite sure of themselves. Even vocal, confident, assertive women are vulnerable to gaslighting.

Why?

Because women bare the brunt of our neurosis. It is much easier for us to place our emotional burdens on the shoulders of our wives, our female friends, our girlfriends, our female employees, our female colleagues, than for us to impose them on the shoulders of men.

It's a whole lot easier to emotionally manipulate someone who has been conditioned by our society to accept it. We continue to burden women because they don't refuse our burdens as easily. It's the ultimate cowardice.

Whether gaslighting is conscious or not, it produces the same result: It renders some women emotionally mute.

These women aren't able to clearly express to their spouses that what is said or done to them is hurtful. They can't tell their boss that his behavior is disrespectful and prevents them from doing their best work. They can't tell their parents that, when they are being critical, they are doing more harm than good.

When these women receive any sort of push back to their reactions, they often brush it off by saying, "Forget it, it's okay."

That "forget it" isn't just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. It's heartbreaking.

No wonder some women are unconsciously passive aggressive when expressing anger, sadness, or frustration. For years, they have been subjected to so much gaslighting that they can no longer express themselves in a way that feels authentic to them.

They say, "I'm sorry," before giving their opinion. In an email or text message, they place a smiley face next to a serious question or concern, thereby reducing the impact of having to express their true feelings.

You know how it looks: "You're late :)"

These are the same women who stay in relationships they don't belong in, who don't follow their dreams, who withdraw from the kind of life they want to live.

Since I have embarked on this feminist self-exploration in my life and in the lives of the women I know, this concept of women as "crazy" has really emerged as a major issue in society at large and an equally major frustration for the women in my life, in general.

From the way women are portrayed on reality shows, to how we condition boys and girls to see women, we have come to accept the idea that women are unbalanced, irrational individuals, especially in times of anger and frustration.

Just the other day, on a flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles, a flight attendant who had come to recognize me from my many trips asked me what I did for a living. When I told her that I write mainly about women, she immediately laughed and asked, "Oh, about how crazy we are?"

Her gut reaction to my work made me really depressed. While she made her response in jest, her question nonetheless makes visible a pattern of sexist commentary that travels through all facets of society on how men view women, which also greatly impacts how women may view themselves.

As far as I am concerned, the epidemic of gaslighting is part of the struggle against the obstacles of inequality that women constantly face. Acts of gaslighting steal their most powerful tool: their voice. This is something we do to women every day, in many different ways.

I don't think this idea that women are "crazy," is based in some sort of massive conspiracy. Rather, I believe it's connected to the slow and steady drumbeat of women being undermined and dismissed, on a daily basis. And gaslighting is one of many reasons why we are dealing with this public construction of women as "crazy."

I recognize that I've been guilty of gaslighting my women friends in the past (but never my male friends--surprise, surprise). It's shameful, but I'm glad I realized that I did it on occasion and put a stop to it.

While I take total responsibility for my actions, I do believe that I, along with many men, am a byproduct of our conditioning. It's about the general insight our conditioning gives us into admitting fault and exposing any emotion.

When we are discouraged in our youth and early adulthood from expressing emotion, it causes many of us to remain steadfast in our refusal to express regret when we see someone in pain from our actions.

When I was writing this piece, I was reminded of one of my favorite Gloria Steinem quotes, "The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn."

So for many of us, it's first about unlearning how to flicker those gaslights and learning how to acknowledge and understand the feelings, opinions, and positions of the women in our lives.

But isn't the issue of gaslighting ultimately about whether we are conditioned to believe that women's opinions don't hold as much weight as ours? That what women have to say, what they feel, isn't quite as legitimate?


By: Yashar Ali
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html

Who we are

New Society: Men are Women, Women are Men

Article: Cheap Dates

By: Mayrav Saar for the NY Post

In today’s lousy economy, men can take comfort in knowing that there is one sought-after good that is becoming steadily more affordable: sex.

Women are jumping into the sack faster and with fewer expectations about long-term commitments than ever, effectively discounting the “price” of sex to a record low, according to social psychologists.

More than 25% of young women report giving it up within the first week of dating. While researchers don’t have a baseline to compare it to, interviews they have conducted lead them to believe this is higher than before, which increases the pressure on other women and changes the expectations of men.

“The price of sex is about how much one party has to do in order to entice the other into being sexual,” said Kathleen Vohs, of the University of Minnesota, who has authored several papers on “sexual economics.” “It might mean buying her a drink or an engagement ring. These behaviors vary in how costly they are to the man, and that is how we quantify the price of sex.”

By boiling dating down to an economic model, researchers have found that men are literally getting lots of bang for their buck. Women, meanwhile, are getting very little tat for their . . . well, you get the idea.

Sex is so cheap that researchers found a full 30% of young men’s sexual relationships involve no romance at all -- no wooing, dating, goofy text messaging. Nothing. Just sex.

Men want sex more than women do. It’s a fact that sounds sexist and outdated. But it is a fact all the same -- one that women used for centuries to keep the price of sex high (if you liked it back in the day, you really had to put a ring on it). With gender equality, the Pill and the advent of Internet porn, women’s control of the meet market has been butchered.

As a result, says Mark Regnerus, a sociologist at the University of Texas at Austin, men are “quicker to have sex in our relationships these days, slower to commitment and just plain pickier.”

The issue is partly one of supply and demand, and it begins at US colleges, where 57% of students are women. With such an imbalanced sex ratio, women are using hookups to compete with other women for men’s affections. Once they get out of school, the pool of successful, educated men also is imbalanced, and the bed-hopping continues.

Regnerus likens the price of sex to the housing market. Too many foreclosures in one community, and the price of neighboring homes start to plummet. This is why single women in New York sometimes feel as though sex on the first date is a given: According to the market, it is.

“Every sex act is part of a ‘pricing’ of sex for subsequent relationships,” Regnerus said. “If sex has been very easy to get for a particular young man for many years and over the course of multiple relationships, what would eventually prompt him to pay a lot for it in the future -- that is, committing to marry?”

Did you answer, “Love”? You’re adorable.

“Sexual strategies for making men ‘fall in love’ typically backfire, because men don’t often work like that,” Regnerus says.

It’s little wonder that the percentage of 25- to 34-year-olds who are married has shrunk by an average of 1% each year this past decade -- down to 46% now. Single women have been catching on, but those who don’t discount sex say they can’t seem to get anyone to “pay” their higher price.

As with many other markets, outsourcing and technology have affected the price of sex as well.

“If men don’t want to take the time to woo a real woman, they can watch sex acts in high definition with images of women who never say no,” Regnerus says. “If you have a suboptimal date with someone you met online, you’re apt now to log on and see who else is available rather than to have another try at it.”

The poor economy is adding to men’s reluctance to commit. Men worry about not being able to provide for a family and about the economic pitfalls of divorce.

So, what can women do to return the balance of sexual power in their favor? Stop putting out, experts say. If women collectively decided to cross their legs, the price of sex would soar and women would regain control of the market. Like a whoopie cartel.

Women in less egalitarian countries do tend to restrict sex as a means of keeping the cost high. This makes sense when women have no access to education and employment. But in the US, it would take a major cultural movement for women to convince each other to say no to nookie.

“Let’s be realistic: It’s not going to happen here,” Regnerus says. “Women don’t really need men and marriage -- economically, socially, and culturally -- like they once did. What I hear in interviews with women is plenty of complaining about men or about the dating scene, but their annoyance is seldom directed at other women.”

Source: http://www.nypost.com/p/news/opinion/opedcolumnists/cheap_dates_EnfcHi7NwBAkD3RYMUWv6I#ixzz1ZNK9DQHd

Society and Sexuality

"Blocking the flow of erotic energy creates ever-increasing pressure which is put to work through short, controlled bursts of productivity. Though he was wrong about a lot, it appears Sigmund Freud got it right when he observed that "civilization" is built largely on erotic energy that has been blocked, concentrated, accumulated, and redirected."

-from Sex at Dawn by Christoper Ryan and Cacilda Jetha

Article: Women are rejecting marriage in Asia

The decline of Asian marriage
Aug. 20, 2011

Source: http://www.economist.com/node/21526350

TWENTY years ago a debate erupted about whether there were specific “Asian values”. Most attention focused on dubious claims by autocrats that democracy was not among them. But a more intriguing, if less noticed, argument was that traditional family values were stronger in Asia than in America and Europe, and that this partly accounted for Asia’s economic success. In the words of Lee Kuan Yew, former prime minister of Singapore and a keen advocate of Asian values, the Chinese family encouraged “scholarship and hard work and thrift and deferment of present enjoyment for future gain”.

On the face of it his claim appears persuasive still. In most of Asia, marriage is widespread and illegitimacy almost unknown. In contrast, half of marriages in some Western countries end in divorce, and half of all children are born outside wedlock. The recent riots across Britain, whose origins many believe lie in an absence of either parental guidance or filial respect, seem to underline a profound difference between East and West.

Yet marriage is changing fast in East, South-East and South Asia, even though each region has different traditions. The changes are different from those that took place in the West in the second half of the 20th century. Divorce, though rising in some countries, remains comparatively rare. What’s happening in Asia is a flight from marriage (see article).

Marriage rates are falling partly because people are postponing getting hitched. Marriage ages have risen all over the world, but the increase is particularly marked in Asia. People there now marry even later than they do in the West. The mean age of marriage in the richest places—Japan, Taiwan, South Korea and Hong Kong—has risen sharply in the past few decades, to reach 29-30 for women and 31-33 for men.

A lot of Asians are not marrying later. They are not marrying at all. Almost a third of Japanese women in their early 30s are unmarried; probably half of those will always be. Over one-fifth of Taiwanese women in their late 30s are single; most will never marry. In some places, rates of non-marriage are especially striking: in Bangkok, 20% of 40-44-year old women are not married; in Tokyo, 21%; among university graduates of that age in Singapore, 27%. So far, the trend has not affected Asia’s two giants, China and India. But it is likely to, as the economic factors that have driven it elsewhere in Asia sweep through those two countries as well; and its consequences will be exacerbated by the sex-selective abortion practised for a generation there. By 2050, there will be 60m more men of marriageable age than women in China and India.

The joy of staying single

Women are retreating from marriage as they go into the workplace. That’s partly because, for a woman, being both employed and married is tough in Asia. Women there are the primary caregivers for husbands, children and, often, for ageing parents; and even when in full-time employment, they are expected to continue to play this role. This is true elsewhere in the world, but the burden that Asian women carry is particularly heavy. Japanese women, who typically work 40 hours a week in the office, then do, on average, another 30 hours of housework. Their husbands, on average, do three hours. And Asian women who give up work to look after children find it hard to return when the offspring are grown. Not surprisingly, Asian women have an unusually pessimistic view of marriage. According to a survey carried out this year, many fewer Japanese women felt positive about their marriage than did Japanese men, or American women or men.

At the same time as employment makes marriage tougher for women, it offers them an alternative. More women are financially independent, so more of them can pursue a single life that may appeal more than the drudgery of a traditional marriage. More education has also contributed to the decline of marriage, because Asian women with the most education have always been the most reluctant to wed—and there are now many more highly educated women.

No marriage, no babies

The flight from marriage in Asia is thus the result of the greater freedom that women enjoy these days, which is to be celebrated. But it is also creating social problems. Compared with the West, Asian countries have invested less in pensions and other forms of social protection, on the assumption that the family will look after ageing or ill relatives. That can no longer be taken for granted. The decline of marriage is also contributing to the collapse in the birth rate. Fertility in East Asia has fallen from 5.3 children per woman in the late 1960s to 1.6 now. In countries with the lowest marriage rates, the fertility rate is nearer 1.0. That is beginning to cause huge demographic problems, as populations age with startling speed. And there are other, less obvious issues. Marriage socialises men: it is associated with lower levels of testosterone and less criminal behaviour. Less marriage might mean more crime.

Can marriage be revived in Asia? Maybe, if expectations of those roles of both sexes change; but shifting traditional attitudes is hard. Governments cannot legislate away popular prejudices. They can, though, encourage change. Relaxing divorce laws might, paradoxically, boost marriage. Women who now steer clear of wedlock might be more willing to tie the knot if they know it can be untied—not just because they can get out of the marriage if it doesn’t work, but also because their freedom to leave might keep their husbands on their toes. Family law should give divorced women a more generous share of the couple’s assets. Governments should also legislate to get employers to offer both maternal and paternal leave, and provide or subsidise child care. If taking on such expenses helped promote family life, it might reduce the burden on the state of looking after the old.

Asian governments have long taken the view that the superiority of their family life was one of their big advantages over the West. That confidence is no longer warranted. They need to wake up to the huge social changes happening in their countries and think about how to cope with the consequences.

Addtional article:
Asian Demography: The Flight from Marriage
http://www.economist.com/node/21526329

Toxic Friends

Source:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2028897/How-8-10-people-cause-harm-good.html#comments


The curse of the 'toxic friend': How eight in ten of us put up with people who cause more harm than good

By Tamara Abraham

Our friends are supposed to be our closest confidantes and support network. But for many of us, they can be more hindrance than help.

According to a new survey, 84 per cent of women struggle with so-called 'toxic friends' who are self-absorbed, emotionally draining, critical or backstabbing.

Men did not fare much better, with three-quarters admitting to having had such a friendship.
Toxic relationship: Eight in ten women struggle with friends who are self-absorbed, emotionally draining, critical or backstabbing

Toxic relationship: Eight in ten women struggle with friends who are self-absorbed, emotionally draining, critical or backstabbing

Sixty-five percent of those polled complained of having a self-obsessed friend, and 59 per-cent accused their closest acquaintances of being emotional 'vampires' - draining all their energy reserves.

The poll, of 18,000 women and 4,000 men by Today.com and Self magazine found just over half had an over-critical friend, while 45 per cent reported backstabbing behaviour and barbed comments.

Thirty-seven per cent of people questioned also admitted to being turned off by friends who were unreliable or flaky.

Irene Levine, professor of psychiatry at New York University's School of Medicine and creator of The Friendship Blog told the Today show: 'A number of studies have shown that close friendships reduce stress, lessen the risk of depression, improve health outcomes and even enhance longevity.

TOP FIVE TOXIC FRIEND PERSONALITY TYPES

1. Self-absorbed
2. Emotional vampires
3. Over-critical
4. Backstabbing
5. Unreliable

'Not only do we get practical advice and logistical support from friends, but the benefits of feeling understood and supported are immeasurable.'

Though a third admitted that they would end a friendship with someone who was untrustworthy, 83 per cent said that they had let a friendship drag on longer than it should have done because the prospect of 'breaking up' was too daunting.

Instead, 37 per cent blocked those they didn't like on Facebook, while 53 'downgraded' friends from people they saw regularly to just occasionally.

Dr Gail Saltz, associate professor of psychiatry at New York Presbyterian Hospital, added: 'The reason it's hard to dump a toxic friend is the same reason people stay in all kinds of dysfunctional relationships. There's something in it that you find compelling or familiar.

'Depending on the nature of what's going on in the relationship, you may feel guilty. Or it could be that the person has implied you need them in some way - that you would be a bad person to walk away.'

Article: Women Who Lost Virginity Early More Likely To Divorce: New Study

From the Huffington Post, 6/15/11

There might be a new argument to try when convincing your teen to wait to have sex. According to the a study conducted by the University of Iowa, women who lost their virginity in their young teens are more likely to divorce.

The study, published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, surveyed the responses of 3,793 women and found that 31 percent who lost their virginity as teens divorced within five years, and 47 percent divorced within 10 years. On the flip side, the divorce rate for women who had waited to have sex was only 15 percent at the five year mark, and 27 percent by the time 10 years rolled around.

But the study also found that a first sexual experience before the age of 16 -- wanted or not -- was still strongly associated with divorce.

Of course early sexual experiences can have lasting effects on relationships later in life. So it's not surprising that with 42 percent of participants claiming their first sexual experience before the age of 18 wasn't completely wanted, that it could affect them in their adult life.

The study's author, Anthony Paik, said in a press release that one explanation for his findings is, "If the sex was not completely wanted or occurred in a traumatic context, it's easy to imagine how that could have a negative impact on how women might feel about relationships, or on relationship skills. The experience could point people on a path toward less stable relationships."

The study did not examine the divorce rates for men who lost their virginity in their teens, but Paik said he thinks it would make an interesting follow up.


Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/15/virginity-teens-divorce-study_n_877529.html

Patience

All the virtuous deeds and merit,
Such as giving and making offerings,
That we have accumulated over thousands of aeons
Can be destroyed by just one moment of anger.

There is no evil greater than anger.
And no virtue greater than patience.
Therefore, I should strive in various ways
To become familiar with the practice of patience.

If I harbour painful thoughts of anger,
I shall not experience mental peace,
I shall find no joy or happiness,
And I shall be unsettled and unable to sleep.

Overcome by a fit of anger,
I might even kill a benefactor
Upon whose kindness I depend
For my wealth or reputation.

Anger causes friends and relatives to grow weary of me
And, even if I try to attract them with generosity, they will not trust me.
In short, there is no one,
Who can live happily with anger.

Although the enemy of anger
Creates sufferings such as these,
Whoever works hard to overcome it
Will find only happiness in this and future lives.

Through having to do what I do not want to do
Or being prevented from doing what I want to do,
I develop mental unhappiness, which becomes the fuel
That causes anger to grow and destroy me.

Therefore, I should never allow this fuel of mental unhappiness
That causes anger to grow within my mind,
For this enemy of anger has no function
Other than to harm me.

I will not allow anything that happens to me
To disturb my mental peace.
If I become unhappy, I shall be unable to fulfill my spiritual wishes
And my practice of virtue will decline.

If something can be remedied
Why be unhappy about it?
And if there is no remedy for it,
There is still no point in being unhappy.


Source: Relying on Patience from Guide to the Bodhisattva's Way of Life

The Age of Horus

There is a story in Egyptian mythology that goes like this: The goddess Isis married her older brother Osiris and they were deeply in love. Set, a demon of envy, set about to destroy their happiness. Set murdered Osiris. Then, to prevent the possibility of his resurrection, he dismembered Osiris' body and scattered the parts in various places along the Nile River. When Isis learned what Set had done, she asked Thoth, the god of Eternity, to stop the flow of time for a while. With time stopped, Isis traveled up and down the banks of the Nile, recovering all of Osiris' body parts before the sun set. When she found all of them, she performed the Black Rite, bringing Osiris back to life. After that eternity gave birth to Time again, and history continued on. Horus is the child of this love between Isis and Osiris.

In his introduction to The Book of the Law, a brilliant and catastrophic work penned in 1904, Aleister Crowley described the world from the eyes of the occultist. He said the world is entering the Age of Horus, and therefore is going through a period of violent change.

Crowley explained that certain vast stars, or "aggregates of experience," may be described as gods. Each god has been in charge of the destinies of the Earth for periods of about 2,000 years. In the history of the world, Crowley said it is believed there have only been three such Gods. They are:

--"Isis, the mother, when the Universe was conceived as simple nourishment drawn directly from her; this period is marked by matriarchal government." In other words, women ruled the governments of the world. They were seen as goddesses.

--Osiris, the father, began his reign about 500 BC. At this time the Universe was imagined as catastrophic. Crowley said love, death and resurrection were the ways by which individuals built up experience. Kings ruled the earth during this period.

--Now Horus, the child, is coming into power. Crowley wrote: "this period involves the recognition of the individual as the unit of society. Every event, including death, is only one more accretion to our experience, freely willed by ourselves from the beginning and therefore also predestined."

Horus is a combination of twin gods called Ra-Hoor-Khuit and Hoor-Paar-Kraat. He is symbolized as a hawk-headed god when on his throne.

Remember that Crowley wrote the following description of the regime under Horus in 1904. He said:

"Everywhere his government is taking root. Observe for yourselves the decay of the sense of sin, the growth of innocence and irresponsibility, the strange modifications of the reproductive instinct with a tendency to become bi-sexual or epicene, the childlike confidence in progress combined with a nightmare fear of catastrophe, against which we are yet half unwilling to take precautions. Consider the outcrop of dictatorships, only possible when moral growth is in its earliest stages, and the prevalence of infantile cults like Communism, Fascism, Pacifism, health crazes, occultism in nearly all its forms, religions sentimentalized to a point of practical extinction. Consider the populatiry of the cinema, the wireless, the football pools and guessing competitions, all devices for soothing fractious infants, no seed of purpose in them. Consider sport, the babyish enthusiasms and rages which it excites, whole nations disturbed by disputes between boys. Consider war, the atrocities which occur daily and leave us unmoved and hardly worried. We are children."


Source: http://www.esotericonline.net/profiles/blogs/the-age-of-horus

Repentance

Repentance right now is necessary and positive.

Use Willpower, Conceive, Visualize, Attain.

Sexual Balance

As individuals we create events within our life that can help us develop and learn. I also believe that as a society we can create events through our combined consciousness, these events can serve for us to grow and learn together. This is how I have chosen to view the recent events surrounding Sheik Taj el-Din al Hilaly and his comments on women, and inadvertently men.

Race and religion aside, this whole event is offering us an experience to look at the balance between male and female energies. How we deal with these on an individual level and then how does this work on a social scale.


We have traditional roles and expectations of male and female energies. Masculinity is often seen as strength, protection, aggression and the warrior. Feminity is traditionally soft, gentle, nurturing and the goddess. If we express any qualities that are defined as outside the “guidelines” of our biology we can be ridiculed and even ostracised. This has been key in many supressing their homosexuality as they try to fit into society.

If we can stop and understand even basic biology we will see that even on a chemical level we all have aspects of male and female within us. Male and females both have oestrogen and testosterone. It is the levels of each that differs between the sexes. We both carry an X chromosome, it is the addition of the Y or X from the sperm that determines sex. However there are many combinations ranging from the XY and XX to XXY, XYY and so on that are possible. The blends that occur at our cellular level are many, yet as beings we are divided into two simple groups.

As new energy develops and our consciousness expands can we now truly own and love whatever the blend is that we have chosen for ouselves to experience in this lifetime? For me this means embracing whatever qualities I know are being true to my heart without the overlay of filtering how I believe I should be interacting with society because I was born a woman. I breathe that limitation away.


When we can start to accept ourselves and live our life breathing our worthiness and value we create an energy around us that people respond to. Sure some people may still feel uncomfortable but we know this is about their fears and limitations. Others in turn will find strength from your example.

This is neither a feminist or homosexual stance. This is a human being stance.

Accept yourself, love yourself first and foremost. This is the foundation of compassion. For when we accept ourselves we can then truly respect and honour others. Just imagine that energy flowing around society.


http://www.newspiritnewenergy.com/sexual-balance/

Power

The 48 Laws of Power

by Robert Greene and Joost Elffers

Law 1

Never Outshine the Master

Always make those above you feel comfortably superior. In your desire to please or impress them, do not go too far in displaying your talents or you might accomplish the opposite – inspire fear and insecurity. Make your masters appear more brilliant than they are and you will attain the heights of power.

Law 2

Never put too Much Trust in Friends, Learn how to use Enemies

Be wary of friends-they will betray you more quickly, for they are easily aroused to envy. They also become spoiled and tyrannical. But hire a former enemy and he will be more loyal than a friend, because he has more to prove. In fact, you have more to fear from friends than from enemies. If you have no enemies, find a way to make them.

Law 3

Conceal your Intentions

Keep people off-balance and in the dark by never revealing the purpose behind your actions. If they have no clue what you are up to, they cannot prepare a defense. Guide them far enough down the wrong path, envelope them in enough smoke, and by the time they realize your intentions, it will be too late.

Law 4

Always Say Less than Necessary

When you are trying to impress people with words, the more you say, the more common you appear, and the less in control. Even if you are saying something banal, it will seem original if you make it vague, open-ended, and sphinxlike. Powerful people impress and intimidate by saying less. The more you say, the more likely you are to say something foolish.

Law 5

So Much Depends on Reputation – Guard it with your Life

Reputation is the cornerstone of power. Through reputation alone you can intimidate and win; once you slip, however, you are vulnerable, and will be attacked on all sides. Make your reputation unassailable. Always be alert to potential attacks and thwart them before they happen. Meanwhile, learn to destroy your enemies by opening holes in their own reputations. Then stand aside and let public opinion hang them.

Law 6

Court Attention at all Cost

Everything is judged by its appearance; what is unseen counts for nothing. Never let yourself get lost in the crowd, then, or buried in oblivion. Stand out. Be conspicuous, at all cost. Make yourself a magnet of attention by appearing larger, more colorful, more mysterious, than the bland and timid masses.

Law 7

Get others to do the Work for you, but Always Take the Credit

Use the wisdom, knowledge, and legwork of other people to further your own cause. Not only will such assistance save you valuable time and energy, it will give you a godlike aura of efficiency and speed. In the end your helpers will be forgotten and you will be remembered. Never do yourself what others can do for you.

Law 8

Make other People come to you – use Bait if Necessary

When you force the other person to act, you are the one in control. It is always better to make your opponent come to you, abandoning his own plans in the process. Lure him with fabulous gains – then attack. You hold the cards.

Law 9

Win through your Actions, Never through Argument

Any momentary triumph you think gained through argument is really a Pyrrhic victory: The resentment and ill will you stir up is stronger and lasts longer than any momentary change of opinion. It is much more powerful to get others to agree with you through your actions, without saying a word. Demonstrate, do not explicate.

Law 10

Infection: Avoid the Unhappy and Unlucky

You can die from someone else’s misery – emotional states are as infectious as disease. You may feel you are helping the drowning man but you are only precipitating your own disaster. The unfortunate sometimes draw misfortune on themselves; they will also draw it on you. Associate with the happy and fortunate instead.

Law 11

Learn to Keep People Dependent on You

To maintain your independence you must always be needed and wanted. The more you are relied on, the more freedom you have. Make people depend on you for their happiness and prosperity and you have nothing to fear. Never teach them enough so that they can do without you.

Law 12

Use Selective Honesty and Generosity to Disarm your Victim

One sincere and honest move will cover over dozens of dishonest ones. Open-hearted gestures of honesty and generosity bring down the guard of even the most suspicious people. Once your selective honesty opens a hole in their armor, you can deceive and manipulate them at will. A timely gift – a Trojan horse – will serve the same purpose.

Law 13

When Asking for Help, Appeal to People’s Self-Interest,

Never to their Mercy or Gratitude

If you need to turn to an ally for help, do not bother to remind him of your past assistance and good deeds. He will find a way to ignore you. Instead, uncover something in your request, or in your alliance with him, that will benefit him, and emphasize it out of all proportion. He will respond enthusiastically when he sees something to be gained for himself.

Law 14

Pose as a Friend, Work as a Spy

Knowing about your rival is critical. Use spies to gather valuable information that will keep you a step ahead. Better still: Play the spy yourself. In polite social encounters, learn to probe. Ask indirect questions to get people to reveal their weaknesses and intentions. There is no occasion that is not an opportunity for artful spying.

Law 15

Crush your Enemy Totally

All great leaders since Moses have known that a feared enemy must be crushed completely. (Sometimes they have learned this the hard way.) If one ember is left alight, no matter how dimly it smolders, a fire will eventually break out. More is lost through stopping halfway than through total annihilation: The enemy will recover, and will seek revenge. Crush him, not only in body but in spirit.

Law 16

Use Absence to Increase Respect and Honor

Too much circulation makes the price go down: The more you are seen and heard from, the more common you appear. If you are already established in a group, temporary withdrawal from it will make you more talked about, even more admired. You must learn when to leave. Create value through scarcity.

Law 17

Keep Others in Suspended Terror: Cultivate an Air of Unpredictability

Humans are creatures of habit with an insatiable need to see familiarity in other people’s actions. Your predictability gives them a sense of control. Turn the tables: Be deliberately unpredictable. Behavior that seems to have no consistency or purpose will keep them off-balance, and they will wear themselves out trying to explain your moves. Taken to an extreme, this strategy can intimidate and terrorize.

Law 18

Do Not Build Fortresses to Protect Yourself – Isolation is Dangerous

The world is dangerous and enemies are everywhere – everyone has to protect themselves. A fortress seems the safest. But isolation exposes you to more dangers than it protects you from – it cuts you off from valuable information, it makes you conspicuous and an easy target. Better to circulate among people find allies, mingle. You are shielded from your enemies by the crowd.

Law 19

Know Who You’re Dealing with – Do Not Offend the Wrong Person

There are many different kinds of people in the world, and you can never assume that everyone will react to your strategies in the same way. Deceive or outmaneuver some people and they will spend the rest of their lives seeking revenge. They are wolves in lambs’ clothing. Choose your victims and opponents carefully, then – never offend or deceive the wrong person.

Law 20

Do Not Commit to Anyone

It is the fool who always rushes to take sides. Do not commit to any side or cause but yourself. By maintaining your independence, you become the master of others – playing people against one another, making them pursue you.

Law 21

Play a Sucker to Catch a Sucker – Seem Dumber than your Mark

No one likes feeling stupider than the next persons. The trick, is to make your victims feel smart – and not just smart, but smarter than you are. Once convinced of this, they will never suspect that you may have ulterior motives.

Law 22

Use the Surrender Tactic: Transform Weakness into Power

When you are weaker, never fight for honor’s sake; choose surrender instead. Surrender gives you time to recover, time to torment and irritate your conqueror, time to wait for his power to wane. Do not give him the satisfaction of fighting and defeating you – surrender first. By turning the other check you infuriate and unsettle him. Make surrender a tool of power.

Law 23

Concentrate Your Forces

Conserve your forces and energies by keeping them concentrated at their strongest point. You gain more by finding a rich mine and mining it deeper, than by flitting from one shallow mine to another – intensity defeats extensity every time. When looking for sources of power to elevate you, find the one key patron, the fat cow who will give you milk for a long time to come.

Law 24

Play the Perfect Courtier

The perfect courtier thrives in a world where everything revolves around power and political dexterity. He has mastered the art of indirection; he flatters, yields to superiors, and asserts power over others in the mot oblique and graceful manner. Learn and apply the laws of courtiership and there will be no limit to how far you can rise in the court.

Law 25

Re-Create Yourself

Do not accept the roles that society foists on you. Re-create yourself by forging a new identity, one that commands attention and never bores the audience. Be the master of your own image rather than letting others define if for you. Incorporate dramatic devices into your public gestures and actions – your power will be enhanced and your character will seem larger than life.

Law 26

Keep Your Hands Clean

You must seem a paragon of civility and efficiency: Your hands are never soiled by mistakes and nasty deeds. Maintain such a spotless appearance by using others as scapegoats and cat’s-paws to disguise your involvement.

Law 27

Play on People’s Need to Believe to Create a Cultlike Following

People have an overwhelming desire to believe in something. Become the focal point of such desire by offering them a cause, a new faith to follow. Keep your words vague but full of promise; emphasize enthusiasm over rationality and clear thinking. Give your new disciples rituals to perform, ask them to make sacrifices on your behalf. In the absence of organized religion and grand causes, your new belief system will bring you untold power.

Law 28

Enter Action with Boldness

If you are unsure of a course of action, do not attempt it. Your doubts and hesitations will infect your execution. Timidity is dangerous: Better to enter with boldness. Any mistakes you commit through audacity are easily corrected with more audacity. Everyone admires the bold; no one honors the timid.

Law 29

Plan All the Way to the End

The ending is everything. Plan all the way to it, taking into account all the possible consequences, obstacles, and twists of fortune that might reverse your hard work and give the glory to others. By planning to the end you will not be overwhelmed by circumstances and you will know when to stop. Gently guide fortune and help determine the future by thinking far ahead.

Law 30

Make your Accomplishments Seem Effortless

Your actions must seem natural and executed with ease. All the toil and practice that go into them, and also all the clever tricks, must be concealed. When you act, act effortlessly, as if you could do much more. Avoid the temptation of revealing how hard you work – it only raises questions. Teach no one your tricks or they will be used against you.

Law 31

Control the Options: Get Others to Play with the Cards you Deal

The best deceptions are the ones that seem to give the other person a choice: Your victims feel they are in control, but are actually your puppets. Give people options that come out in your favor whichever one they choose. Force them to make choices between the lesser of two evils, both of which serve your purpose. Put them on the horns of a dilemma: They are gored wherever they turn.

Law 32

Play to People’s Fantasies

The truth is often avoided because it is ugly and unpleasant. Never appeal to truth and reality unless you are prepared for the anger that comes for disenchantment. Life is so harsh and distressing that people who can manufacture romance or conjure up fantasy are like oases in the desert: Everyone flocks to them. There is great power in tapping into the fantasies of the masses.

Law 33

Discover Each Man’s Thumbscrew

Everyone has a weakness, a gap in the castle wall. That weakness is usual y an insecurity, an uncontrollable emotion or need; it can also be a small secret pleasure. Either way, once found, it is a thumbscrew you can turn to your advantage.

Law 34

Be Royal in your Own Fashion: Act like a King to be treated like one

The way you carry yourself will often determine how you are treated; In the long run, appearing vulgar or common will make people disrespect you. For a king respects himself and inspires the same sentiment in others. By acting regally and confident of your powers, you make yourself seem destined to wear a crown.

Law 35

Master the Art of Timing

Never seem to be in a hurry – hurrying betrays a lack of control over yourself, and over time. Always seem patient, as if you know that everything will come to you eventually. Become a detective of the right moment; sniff out the spirit of the times, the trends that will carry you to power. Learn to stand back when the time is not yet ripe, and to strike fiercely when it has reached fruition.

Law 36

Disdain Things you cannot have: Ignoring them is the best Revenge

By acknowledging a petty problem you give it existence and credibility. The more attention you pay an enemy, the stronger you make him; and a small mistake is often made worse and more visible when you try to fix it. It is sometimes best to leave things alone. If there is something you want but cannot have, show contempt for it. The less interest you reveal, the more superior you seem.

Law 37

Create Compelling Spectacles

Striking imagery and grand symbolic gestures create the aura of power – everyone responds to them. Stage spectacles for those around you, then full of arresting visuals and radiant symbols that heighten your presence. Dazzled by appearances, no one will notice what you are really doing.

Law 38

Think as you like but Behave like others

If you make a show of going against the times, flaunting your unconventional ideas and unorthodox ways, people will think that you only want attention and that you look down upon them. They will find a way to punish you for making them feel inferior. It is far safer to blend in and nurture the common touch. Share your originality only with tolerant friends and those who are sure to appreciate your uniqueness.

Law 39

Stir up Waters to Catch Fish

Anger and emotion are strategically counterproductive. You must always stay calm and objective. But if you can make your enemies angry while staying calm yourself, you gain a decided advantage. Put your enemies off-balance: Find the chink in their vanity through which you can rattle them and you hold the strings.

Law 40

Despise the Free Lunch

What is offered for free is dangerous – it usually involves either a trick or a hidden obligation. What has worth is worth paying for. By paying your own way you stay clear of gratitude, guilt, and deceit. It is also often wise to pay the full price – there is no cutting corners with excellence. Be lavish with your money and keep it circulating, for generosity is a sign and a magnet for power.

Law 41

Avoid Stepping into a Great Man’s Shoes

What happens first always appears better and more original than what comes after. If you succeed a great man or have a famous parent, you will have to accomplish double their achievements to outshine them. Do not get lost in their shadow, or stuck in a past not of your own making: Establish your own name and identity by changing course. Slay the overbearing father, disparage his legacy, and gain power by shining in your own way.

Law 42

Strike the Shepherd and the Sheep will Scatter

Trouble can often be traced to a single strong individual – the stirrer, the arrogant underling, the poisoned of goodwill. If you allow such people room to operate, others will succumb to their influence. Do not wait for the troubles they cause to multiply, do not try to negotiate with them – they are irredeemable. Neutralize their influence by isolating or banishing them. Strike at the source of the trouble and the sheep will scatter.

Law 43

Work on the Hearts and Minds of Others

Coercion creates a reaction that will eventually work against you. You must seduce others into wanting to move in your direction. A person you have seduced becomes your loyal pawn. And the way to seduce others is to operate on their individual psychologies and weaknesses. Soften up the resistant by working on their emotions, playing on what they hold dear and what they fear. Ignore the hearts and minds of others and they will grow to hate you.

Law 44

Disarm and Infuriate with the Mirror Effect

The mirror reflects reality, but it is also the perfect tool for deception: When you mirror your enemies, doing exactly as they do, they cannot figure out your strategy. The Mirror Effect mocks and humiliates them, making them overreact. By holding up a mirror to their psyches, you seduce them with the illusion that you share their values; by holding up a mirror to their actions, you teach them a lesson. Few can resist the power of Mirror Effect.

Law 45

Preach the Need for Change, but Never Reform too much at Once

Everyone understands the need for change in the abstract, but on the day-to-day level people are creatures of habit. Too much innovation is traumatic, and will lead to revolt. If you are new to a position of power, or an outsider trying to build a power base, make a show of respecting the old way of doing things. If change is necessary, make it feel like a gentle improvement on the past.

Law 46

Never appear too Perfect

Appearing better than others is always dangerous, but most dangerous of all is to appear to have no faults or weaknesses. Envy creates silent enemies. It is smart to occasionally display defects, and admit to harmless vices, in order to deflect envy and appear more human and approachable. Only gods and the dead can seem perfect with impunity.

Law 47

Do not go Past the Mark you Aimed for; In Victory, Learn when to Stop

The moment of victory is often the moment of greatest peril. In the heat of victory, arrogance and overconfidence can push you past the goal you had aimed for, and by going too far, you make more enemies than you defeat. Do not allow success to go to your head. There is no substitute for strategy and careful planning. Set a goal, and when you reach it, stop.

Law 48

Assume Formlessness

By taking a shape, by having a visible plan, you open yourself to attack. Instead of taking a form for your enemy to grasp, keep yourself adaptable and on the move. Accept the fact that nothing is certain and no law is fixed. The best way to protect yourself is to be as fluid and formless as water; never bet on stability or lasting order. Everything changes.









Source: http://www2.tech.purdue.edu/cg/courses/cgt411/covey/48_laws_of_power.htm

"Mixed Strategies" in the War Between the Sexes

From Sex at Dawn:

The male's mixed strategy would be to have a long-term mate, whose sexual behavior he could control-- keeping her barefoot and pregnant if poor, foot-bound and pregnant if Chinese, or in high heels and pregnant if rick. Meanwhile he should continue having casual (low-investment) sex with as many other women as possible, to increase his chances of fathering more children. This is how standard evolutionary posits that men evolved to be dirty, lying bastards. According to the standard narrative, the evolved behavioral strategy for a man is to cheat on his pregnant wife while being insanely - even violently jealous of her.

The Standards of Human Sexuality

As we have been told for many years from our upbringing, society, and history.

The list of standards of human sexuality:

1. what motivated prehuman males to "invest" in a particular female and her children.
2. male sexual jealousy and the double standard concerning male versus female sexual autonomy;
3. the oft-repeated "fact" that the timing of women's ovulation is "hidden";
4. the inexplicably compelling breasts of the human female;
5. her notorious deceptiveness and treachery, source of many country and blues classics;
6. and of course, the human male's renowned eagerness to screw anything with legs--an equally rich source of musical material.


Assumptions of our sexuality, men and women
-the relatively weak female libido
-male parental investment (MPI)
-sexual jealousy and paternity certainty
-extended receptivity and concealed (or cryptic) ovulation




Source: Sex at Dawn, Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha

Repression & Sex

"Repression needs no intelligence in the first place; any idiot can do it. In fact, only idiots do it...Nature intends you to know (sex) in as many ways as possible, because what you can know from one woman you cannot know from another woman...So I am for all the trouble, the anguish, the anxiety, the despair...These troubles are not because love has gone, these are because you are idiotic."

-New Age teacher Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh (The Rajneesh Bible)

Friend Quote 11

"I suffer from the Madonna/Whore complex. I'm like a nun who loves fucking."

For our sins....

Repent: Verb
1. To feel sorry, self-reproachful, or contrite for past conduct; regret or be conscience stricken about a past action, attitude, etc.
2. To feel such sorry for sin or fault as to be disposed to change one's life for the better; be penitent.
3. To remember or regard with self-reproach or contrition.

Contrite: Adjective
1. Caused by showing sincere remorse.
2. Filled with a sense of guilt and the desire for atonement, penitent.

Atonement: Noun
1. Satisfaction or reparation for a wrong or injury; amends.
2. The doctrine concerning the reconciliation of God and humankind especially as accomplished through the life, suffering and death of Christ.
3. The experience of humankind of unity with God exemplified by Jesus Christ.
4. Reconciliation; agreement.

Sin: Noun
1. Transgression of divine law.
2. Any act regarded as such a transgression, especially a willful or deliberate violation of some religious or moral principle.
3. Any reprehensible or regrettable action, behavior, lapse, etc.; great fault or offense.

Source: Dictionary.com

True Love

"We must bring about a revolution in our way of living our everyday lives, because our happiness, our lives, are within ourselves."

-True Love, A Practice for Awakening the Heart (Thich Nhat Hanh)

A definition of sex

"Sex is a social connection of our species."

Source: Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan

Friend Quote 10

"If you want a guy to ask you out on a date, close your legs and start acting like a lady."

What does it mean to you to be a man?

Friend 1: "To be a man to me, means taking responsibility for my words and actions. It means keeping my word."

Friend 2: "A man is someone that is accountable for his actions, someone that protects the people that he loves. Someone that makes those around him better."

Friend 3: "In our day, where being a man means being able to get away with a lot and having it be acceptable, such as not being chivalrous or being the sole provider, being a man today allows me to exceed expectations as to what was once expected out of a man. Asking a girl to dinner and paying for it actually goes a long way when a lot of girls are accustomed to guys just asking them out to get a drink and weasel their way back into their apartments. We have more ways to impress and exceed our overall negative stereotype of men our age. It gives me room to be a dominant factor in a relationship, which is otherwise not as expected as much during our age and time."

Friend 4: "What makes a man? A man is a strong willed, confident, honest, and a natural leader. Even though he possesses the aforementioned he is still compassionate and not afraid to show his true feelings for fear it would compromise his strength. A true man is a provider for his family and will seek assistance when absolutely necessary to get back on track should he lose his footing. A man will never give up in his quest to find the right partner."

Friend 5: "Well I mean, I still haven't found the right balance but pretty much taking care of my bitch in all means however, that gets me walked on by girls who expect that as well as monetary caring for as well so when I'm a dick to girls and single I FEEL more like a man because of the control but when I'm in a situation like the current I kind of feel like a bitch even though I'm taking care of the girl 1000%."

Friend 6: "For me, being a man means recognizing your strengths, accepting your weaknesses, and still moving forward with what you feel you need to do
and taking responsibility for your failings, and knowing that sometimes you may need help and being secure enough to ask for it."

Friend 7: "For me it means taking responsibility for things other than yourself. Boys can tend to only think of themselves, while Men realize their place in this world; that they have power to yield for the greater good of others or even themselves; by being good fathers, lovers, even citizens.It's something we need to do without expecting retribution, yet respect should be our reward."

Friend 8: "To protect, to love, to be caring, to push thing forward. It is not a sex thing, it is a doing thing, it is about being a hunter. Anyone in the new world can be a "man". It is to be a strong beast or animal to provide even with your own life. We can not create life so we are willing to give it and try to defend it and that is what being a man is. I am very manish in so ways. I do look at it like that. I want to defend the people I love from the world."

Hinduism and Heterosexuality: 25 Rules

1. Females need to be protected by their fathers in their childhood, husbands in their youth and by their grown-up sons in their older age. Protected from what? Illicit sexual involvement with irresponsible men.

2. Women are considered to be 9 times lustier than men. They are also easily seduced, like children are easily mislead.

3. Maturing girls are not supposed to be touched by any man but their husband, which means dating is not allowed. As soon as a young girl experiences her sexual urge in physical connection with a male, if it is not abusive, she usually gives her heart to that male. The heart should be given to only the husband. A girl who has given her heart to one boy is not suitable for marriage to another.

4. Thus, girls should be married BEFORE the age of sexual awakening to assure she awakens with the man she is to love and serve her entire life. Womens' strong bonding to their husband is the auspicious glue of civilized human society.

5. The marriage of a daughter is considered a great responsibility and brings honor and blessings to devoted parents. The father should carefully consider the groom's family, the nature and desires of the young people and try to ascertain by astrology or some method that there will be a successful, happy future for the daughter, when arranging her marriage.

6. Girls should be raised to expect to be married, to be faithful and chaste wives for the sake of good progeny and peaceful society. She should know how to cook, sew, clean, manage help, tend a garden, serve guests, take care of husband's parents and the children, manage household finances, speak pleasingly, be tolerant and patient, massage, give natural health care, associate only with good wives and make husband and God the center of her life.

7. Most girls do not require to be educated beyond reading and some math. Girls by their nature like taking care of children and desire to be subservient to a man. Men, especially young men, naturally desire to show their authority over a wife and this should be tolerated by the understanding wife. In the same way, women get much satisfaction being the authority over the small children.

8. Boys' schooling should consist of learning self-control and self-sufficiency. He should know about the soul, the world, action, nature and God. He should have a career based on his talent and interests, usually the same one or similar to his father. If he enters a marriage with these qualifications, the boy and girl can be happy in married life and the girl will naturally respect and want to serve her husband; as he will naturally feel satisfaction in working to maintain his wife and family and not be overwhelmed by attraction to the female form.

9. Girls should be taught not to feel any sense of degradation at the selfless, valuable service they perform in their role in life. They should willingly encourage and support their husband's endeavors.

10. Men should not indulge in illicit sex including porn, gambling, meat eating or intoxication, including smoking, coffee and tea drinking. They should not waste the family money. Nor should women.

11. When women are free to mix with men and sexual relations develop outside of a committed marriage, the woman, not the man, gives birth to children who are not wanted by the father or society. The women have to be supported by government aid or struggling families. Sometimes the women and child are abandoned and left to fend for themselves in the world. In many cases the unwanted child is murdered in the womb. This is against the first commandment of God and is a great sin for the woman. Unwanted children are the cause of many ills in society.

12. Boys should be taught from an early age to look upon all women except their wife as mothers. They should think of girls as being the possession of their fathers, and not in a position to give 'themselves' away.

13. As a matter of policy, men and women should not sit together alone in a secluded place, even family members, as the sex desire is so strong.

14. Boys and girls should not attend the same schools. Nor should boys be exposed to music, books, movies, TV or other mens' examples which promote womanizing as the standard of manhood. Girls should not be exposed to movies, books, music, TV or other womanly examples which promote looseness, nakedness and sexiness as the standard of feminine behavior.

15. Humans are naturally divided into four classes; from highest to lowest these are: Priestly or intellectual class, Administrator or warrior class, mercantile or agricultural producer class and assistant or laborer class. Girls can be married to boys of the same or higher class but should never be married to a boy of lower class. Such marriages result in unhappiness for both parties.

16. Sex is meant for procreation, to produce God-conscious children. It should be proceeded by prayer and spiritual intention and voluntarily avoided once the family has reached the intended size. If it cannot be avoided entirely, at least men should not pollute virgin girls or ruin the lives of other married couples. They must remain within the marriage.

17. Illicit sex should be strongly socially condemned.

18. As far as possible, all women should be married and have children to raise, as the selfless act of motherhood raises her consciousness, gives her happiness and confidence and purifies her of selfish female tendencies.

19. Boys should be taught to retain their semen to enable them to produce male children, to encourage good health, bright faces, self-confidence, strong memories and intelligent discriminatory powers.

20. Man's interest needs to be on service to God, saintly teachers, society and his profession. He looks upon wife as help-mate. He should not blame her for his failings and weaknesses, but should attempt to correct and advance himself. He should treat his wife with firmness, fairness and reserved kindness. She should treat him with respectful deference and affection.

21. Shyness in girls is a safety valve to help protect them from male exploitation. When they mix freely with boys and this valve is loosened it invites illicit sex (unwanted children) and girls loose a special charm, innocence and attractiveness.

22. Girls must be married while they still have the bloom of youth. Even an unattractive woman will be attractive at this age. Boys should be married before 30. An age difference of 10 years is perfectly acceptable. That kind of age difference helps the girl naturally respect the husband which inspires the male.

23. After the age of 50, the husband is to leave home and go to the forest or travel for spiritual pursuits and educating others about spiritual matters. The wife stays home in the care of the grown up children.

24. If there is no mother at home and the wife deals harshly, it is better for the man to leave home and go to the forest.

25. Every morning and night the family should read the scriptures together, pray and glorify God's holy names together for a half hour or more. That is the best foundation for family and society.


**Please note: I posted this to promote conversation and constructive debate. I do not agree with every statement, although, I do find truth in this list. Please send me your comments. Thank you. Love.


Source: http://www.henrymakow.com/25_ways_hindus_protect_girls_a.html

Meaning of Sexuality

From Dictionary.com:

sex·u·al·i·ty
   /ˌsɛkʃuˈælɪti or, especially Brit., ˌsɛksyu-/ Show Spelled[sek-shoo-al-i-tee or, especially Brit., seks-yoo-]
–noun

1.sexual character; possession of the structural and functional traits of sex.

2.recognition of or emphasis upon sexual matters.

3.involvement in sexual activity.

4.an organism's preparedness for engaging in sexual activity.


Question: How many of us own our sexuality and do not ask or expect anything back in return and fully accept all the consequences that come with sharing our sexuality?

Friendship

Have you ever had a friendship of convenience? You know, that friend that was always conveniently ready to go with you to the bar even if it is a Monday?

Then there are those friends who truly serve a purpose. Think about it; those friends that no matter what, are available to assist you in every move. The friend that is carrying the boxes, filling the U-haul in the middle of the night or is available at a moment's notice.

Whatever the purpose or reasoning each one of these people we tag with a friendship label have brought value and contributed to make up that part of who you are and who we want to be. Lois Wyse defines friendship as, "A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world."



From Real Detroit Weekly:
http://www.realdetroitweekly.com/detroit/psychic-in-the-city/Content?oid=1412167

The Power of Vulnerability

One Night Stands

He Said: "It's all I strive for. "

She Said: "I'm weird about them now. To me meeting a stranger and then taking them home and fucking them isn't fulfilling the satisfaction that I am looking for."

He Said: "I don't mind."

She Said: "Sure, why not?"

He Said: "I have had a few, they are not my thing. If you are into it then do it? You never know what happens."

She Said: "They're okay if you understand what you're getting into, and if you're really safe and you don't do it too much I suppose. I'm not into them personally but I'm not against them. Sometimes shit happens."

He Said: "They can be very good but they can be a trap. There is nothing wrong with two strangers exchanging fluids. It's just sex, it won't land you in hell but if all you do is one night stands then you are emotionally retarded."

She Said: "I dont like them ...I cant have sex with out emotion. so if I have one, I don't enjoy it, I feel nothing no pleasure and the sex doesn't feel good."

Positive Note: "The Happy Marriage is the 'Me' Marriage"

By TARA PARKER-POPE
Published: December 31, 2010

A lasting marriage does not always signal a happy marriage. Plenty of miserable couples have stayed together for children, religion or other practical reasons.

But for many couples, it’s just not enough to stay together. They want a relationship that is meaningful and satisfying. In short, they want a sustainable marriage.

“The things that make a marriage last have more to do with communication skills, mental health, social support, stress — those are the things that allow it to last or not,” says Arthur Aron, a psychology professor who directs the Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. “But those things don’t necessarily make it meaningful or enjoyable or sustaining to the individual.”

The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first?

Not anymore. For centuries, marriage was viewed as an economic and social institution, and the emotional and intellectual needs of the spouses were secondary to the survival of the marriage itself. But in modern relationships, people are looking for a partnership, and they want partners who make their lives more interesting.

Caryl Rusbult, a researcher at Vrije University in Amsterdam who died last January, called it the “Michelangelo effect,” referring to the manner in which close partners “sculpt” each other in ways that help each of them attain valued goals.

Dr. Aron and Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., a professor at Monmouth University in New Jersey, have studied how individuals use a relationship to accumulate knowledge and experiences, a process called “self-expansion.” Research shows that the more self-expansion people experience from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship.

To measure this, Dr. Lewandowski developed a series of questions for couples: How much has being with your partner resulted in your learning new things? How much has knowing your partner made you a better person? (Take the full quiz measuring self-expansion.)

While the notion of self-expansion may sound inherently self-serving, it can lead to stronger, more sustainable relationships, Dr. Lewandowski says.

“If you’re seeking self-growth and obtain it from your partner, then that puts your partner in a pretty important position,” he explains. “And being able to help your partner’s self-expansion would be pretty pleasing to yourself.”

The concept explains why people are delighted when dates treat them to new experiences, like a weekend away. But self-expansion isn’t just about exotic experiences. Individuals experience personal growth through their partners in big and small ways. It happens when they introduce new friends, or casually talk about a new restaurant or a fascinating story in the news.

The effect of self-expansion is particularly pronounced when people first fall in love. In research at the University of California at Santa Cruz, 325 undergraduate students were given questionnaires five times over 10 weeks. They were asked, “Who are you today?” and given three minutes to describe themselves. They were also asked about recent experiences, including whether they had fallen in love.

After students reported falling in love, they used more varied words in their self-descriptions. The new relationships had literally broadened the way they looked at themselves.

“You go from being a stranger to including this person in the self, so you suddenly have all of these social roles and identities you didn’t have before,” explains Dr. Aron, who co-authored the research. “When people fall in love that happens rapidly, and it’s very exhilarating.”

Over time, the personal gains from lasting relationships are often subtle. Having a partner who is funny or creative adds something new to someone who isn’t. A partner who is an active community volunteer creates new social opportunities for a spouse who spends long hours at work.

Additional research suggests that spouses eventually adopt the traits of the other — and become slower to distinguish differences between them, or slower to remember which skills belong to which spouse.

In experiments by Dr. Aron, participants rated themselves and their partners on a variety of traits, like “ambitious” or “artistic.” A week later, the subjects returned to the lab and were shown the list of traits and asked to indicate which ones described them.

People responded the quickest to traits that were true of both them and their partner. When the trait described only one person, the answer came more slowly. The delay was measured in milliseconds, but nonetheless suggested that when individuals were particularly close to someone, their brains were slower to distinguish between their traits and those of their spouses.

“It’s easy to answer those questions if you’re both the same,” Dr. Lewandowski explains. “But if it’s just true of you and not of me, then I have to sort it out. It happens very quickly, but I have to ask myself, ‘Is that me or is that you?’ ”

It’s not that these couples lost themselves in the marriage; instead, they grew in it. Activities, traits and behaviors that had not been part of their identity before the relationship were now an essential part of how they experienced life.

All of this can be highly predictive for a couple’s long-term happiness. One scale designed by Dr. Aron and colleagues depicts seven pairs of circles. The first set is side by side. With each new set, the circles begin to overlap until they are nearly on top of one another. Couples choose the set of circles that best represents their relationship. In a 2009 report in the journal Psychological Science, people bored in their marriages were more likely to choose the more separate circles. Partners involved in novel and interesting experiences together were more likely to pick one of the overlapping circles and less likely to report boredom. “People have a fundamental motivation to improve the self and add to who they are as a person,” Dr. Lewandowski says. “If your partner is helping you become a better person, you become happier and more satisfied in the relationship.”


Source: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/weekinreview/02parkerpope.html?_r=2&src=me&ref=general

Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone. May 2011 be filled with love, truth and beauty.

XOXO.